How to Open Your Heart to Receive Love

[00:00:02] Speaker A: Welcome to Gaiman Going Deeper, a podcast by the Gaiman's Brotherhood that showcases raw and real conversations about personal development, mental health and sexuality from an unapologetically gay perspective. I am your host, Matt Lansadel, and joining me today is Michael DiIorio. So today we're talking about how to open your heart to receiving love. Last month we talked all about joy, and now we're talking about how we can open our heart to start feeling more joy and love. So we're going to be exploring questions today, like in what ways has it felt difficult to receive love? What does it look like to receive love? And what are some things the audience can do to open their hearts to love? So what we want you to get out of today's episode is just a deeper awareness that as gay men, many of us learned early on to protect our hearts. We were taught that it wasn't safe to be fully seen, that our love was wrong or somehow didn't fit. Over time, we may have had to build armor around our hearts, our emotions, or even our capacity to receive love. But the truth is, love is always trying to reach us through friends, partners, pets, strangers, even through life itself. The challenge isn't that love isn't there. It's that we've subconsciously blocked ourselves from receiving it. So today, Michael and I want to talk to you about what it means to open your heart, not just conceptually, but in real, tangible ways. How we can go from guarded to being more receptive, from I have to earn love to I am worthy of love just as I am. Because when we start to receive love deeply, everything changes. Our relationships, our bodies, our minds, our joy, our sense of purpose. There's so much that can happen and change when we learn how to receive love. So I'm looking forward to this conversation. If you're new here, welcome and please subscribe to the channel on YouTube. And if you're listening on your favorite podcast platform, please subscribe and leave us a review which helps us get into the ears of the people who need us. This podcast and YouTube channel are listener and viewer supported. So if you enjoy what we're creating, you can support the show by making a donation using the link in the show show notes by tapping thanks or tapping the thanks button on YouTube. You can also subscribe to early access option on Apple Podcast where you can gain early access to episodes. And all your support does help us and our community to make content for you and supporting the community we do. Thank you in advance for that as well. Okay. I want to Take you guys on a. On a little short journey, Just a little one. So I want you to take a moment, if you can. If you're not driving or. Or walking or something, just close your eyes, and I want you to see if you can remember the last time that you felt love. Perhaps it was a compliment that you received, or maybe the way one of your parents or your partner looked at you. Or maybe it was by nature. Maybe you felt loved by nature. I want you just to see if you can try and notice the last time you felt loved. It might show up as a thought, might show up as a story. And once you have it, I want you just to take a moment, and I want you to bring your awareness from the thought of feeling loved down into the body where you can notice what it feels like to feel loved. Just noticing where. When you make space for it, where does love show up for you in your body? Because receiving love is. Is really about learning how to focus on the feeling of love without guarding against it. And learning how to receive love is about recognizing what is blocking us from receiving it. And it's important to note that the heart knows how to receive love. It always will. It's the mind that's usually blocking us from receiving it. So we want to unlearn the programs that have taught us that we're not lovable or that love isn't safe for us. And this starts with letting go of our attachment to the mind and moving into the body where we can start to feel what love feels like in our body. You can open your eyes. Where did that show up for you, Michael? [00:05:12] Speaker B: For me, is my. My chest mainly when I was really diving into it. Yeah, yeah. But I'm sitting on the floor here, so it's a little bit uncomfortable. I was screaming a bit, but yeah, the. The answer to the question is my chest. That's usually where I feel. It's like a. Like right in my solar plexus. Yeah. [00:05:32] Speaker A: Yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful. All right, well, I want to hear from you. So in what ways has it felt difficult for you to receive love? [00:05:42] Speaker B: Yeah. Thank you for that. That was a really nice little moment I got to experience with myself. Thank you for opening the space. I hope the. The listeners did the. Did that exercise. It's really helpful. Yeah. In what ways has it been difficult to receive love? Well, for me, it's been easier to chase love. I'm good at chasing. I've. I've learned to chase it than it is to actually surrender and receive it fully. So I think the most Difficult part for me is like letting someone see me naked. Not physically naked, that's easy. But emotionally naked is what I'm talking about. So what that might look like for me, the hardest parts. And you know, I've been in relationships. [00:06:24] Speaker A: Before, so I have. [00:06:25] Speaker B: I've learned a lot from them. Even though the relationships themselves may not have worked out. I've learned a lot about me and how I receive love and how I can be difficult sometimes, how it can be difficult for me to receive love. So yeah, that, that emotional nakedness, we'll just call it vulnerability, because that's what I'm talking about here is, is for me letting someone take care of me in my lowest lows, because I have this belief and this need almost to have to be the put together one, the the taking, the one who takes care of, not the one being taken care of. And as much as there's a part of me that truly loves that and wants that so bad, and I'll, I'll even say, like, oh my God, I want someone to take care of me. The truth is when it happens and it's like my nervous system or my body's just like, no, we don't want, we don't want someone to see you in such a state in which they will need to take care of you. Because I don't want to be, you know, seen as a mess or, or, or messy or flawed or because in my, in my mind I'm judging myself. Like, I, I shouldn't be this way or I need to be the strong one. [00:07:29] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:29] Speaker B: But I will say the last couple guys that I've dated have been really good at that. And, and that's why I would say that I don't know if I would have come to that learning had I not dated them. So, you know, like I said, every relationship teaches you something, whether it works or what works out or not. And that's something I've learned about myself. Like, I don't like to be seen even by my own partner as someone who doesn't have a shit together. And I've mentioned that before in this episode, but that's probably the hardest part. And yet I will say when, when, when I did do that, when I, when I trusted him to like, literally take care of me, it was the most beautiful feeling. So, like, on the other side of that fear is so much goodness and warmth and that expansiveness I just shared with you. [00:08:11] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. That's beautiful. I can feel it. It kind of makes me a bit emotional. [00:08:16] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. [00:08:17] Speaker A: I know, because I know your relationship. I didn't know your relationship with Star, and I got to experience you guys together. And, like. Yeah. I'm sure that you really learned a lot about how to receive love because he's. He's an empath and he's a. He's a love bug. Yes. [00:08:31] Speaker B: He's a lover. [00:08:32] Speaker A: Yeah. Where does it come from, do you think? The part of you that feels uncomfortable with people seeing you, you know, at your best. [00:08:41] Speaker B: Oh, it's all just shame responses. It's all just learned. Learned shame responses that, you know, I need to. It's almost like a offset of perfectionism. Like, I can't show my flaws, quote, unquote flaws, because it'll prove that I'm not good enough, which is all just shame talking. And if I didn't. Oh, nothing say if I didn't. Now that I kind of know, now that I recognize it. Not that it's gone, it's still there, obviously, but now that I can recognize it, I'm like, ah, okay. This is just a shame story happening. But I know that it's from that. I can't be anything less than perfect. [00:09:19] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfectionism. Yeah. [00:09:24] Speaker B: It's those masks we wear. We talk about all the time, like, those masks. And I know you have very, very similar, if not the exact same masks. It's like the strong one, the. The strong silent type, the. That one. It's really hard for me to let go of that because I get a lot of my identity from there, and a lot of people love that about me. And it's just then the story is if. If I'm not that, then they will not love me. They will withdraw that love, and I'll be left alone, rejected, and abandoned, which is the biggest fear. [00:09:49] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can relate so much. [00:09:55] Speaker B: By the way, folks, if you see me squirming around, for those of you watching on YouTube, I'm sitting on the floor in my Airbnb here in Oslo, Norway. I didn't get a spot with a desk, and so this is the best I could do. So I'm sitting on the floor in my underwear. This is the best lighting I could find because it's almost nighttime here. It gets dark quite early. So if you see me screaming around, that's what I'm doing. I apologize if it's distracting. [00:10:24] Speaker A: That's awesome. All right. Did not coordinate our colors today. [00:10:27] Speaker B: Yeah, I know. We didn't. [00:10:28] Speaker A: Wearing navy green. [00:10:30] Speaker B: And for Matt, it's first thing in the morning, and for me, it's yeah. Yeah. The beauty of technology. [00:10:36] Speaker A: The beauty of technology, yes. Oh, geez. So in what ways has it felt difficult to receive love? Oh, there's so many. I kind of went into all the theory of it and I was like, okay, like, Matt, what are you protecting against here? If you're trying to get all theoretical, I'll share some of the theory of it afterwards. But I think it's probably more important for me to share more. Yeah, I guess just more past experience. And I, you know, I've broken up with several guys throughout the course of my life because they were too nice, too keen to please me, too keen to. To meet my needs, these sorts of things. And then out of the other side of my face, I'm like, why is there no men that are willing to show up for me? Blah, blah, right? And it's just like, it's. It's classic. It's classic, you know, internalized shame. I don't feel worthy of love. So when it comes close, I block it. And then when it's not there, I'm pissed off that it's not there. Right. And I think. So the difficulty in receiving love for me is I think I have this feeling almost like when. When a guy is meeting my needs or showing up for me. It's like, I feel like it's similar to you, actually. It's like I feel like I. I'm. Then they're relying on them, and it doesn' Safe to rely on. On. On people, especially men. Because I have a. I think I have a. An unhealed abandonment wound that I've been working on healing for a very long time. And I think I've healed quite a bit of it, actually. But there's still pieces of it that it's like men aren't trustworthy. There's something. There's a. A core belief there that tells me that men aren't trustworthy. And I'm always scanning and looking for why people aren't trustworthy, especially men. So whenever I do find somebody that I. That is safe, it's almost like it feels scary to like, receive from them. And there's. It's probably a. Part of it is a hyper independence, you know, growing up in the. The way that I did and, you know, I developed a I don't need anyone mindset, and I haven't for a lot of my life. Right. Like, I'm. I've been a lone wolf for most of my life and just rolling and rocking and kicking ass. But when it comes to romance, like, you can't be al lone wolf in romance. And that's where, you know, that's probably part of the inspiration of wanting to choose this topic was, you know, I'm meeting this, and I'm meeting a lot of clients that I'm working with right now that are in the lone wolf archetype and are finding it hard to find love because when it comes, they're scared and they run from it. And then when it's not there, they're really angry that they don't have love and they're lonely. It's like the total disorganization of attachment. Right. So. So, yeah, I would say that's kind of the main piece, is it doesn't feel safe. There's something around like it doesn't feel safe to just to receive love. Love doesn't feel safe. It'll be taken away. You know, I think part of it too, could be subconscious programming. As gay men, we grow up and we hear messages that love between men, two men, is wrong. [00:13:35] Speaker B: Right. [00:13:35] Speaker A: So we might have a subconscious program running that it's like, it's not safe to love or receive love from another man because we'll, you know, we'll be rejected, we'll be whatever. Right. It could be these sorts of programs. And then receiving love feels very vulnerable. It's a very vulnerable experience to. To receive love. I'm actually a lot more comfortable giving love than I am receiving love. And that shows up for me in the way of compliments, of people wanting to offer me things and stuff. I get very uncomfortable when people try to. To. To give to me. So a lot of my life I've been having to work on receiving, and it definitely has not been easy. And I think in my early years, I confused sex and love almost like. And so I had a really hard time receiving love because it almost didn't feel. I didn't feel comfortable with intimacy. I didn't feel comfortable with love. So it's like I just had a lot of sex trying to, like, make up for not feeling comfortable with. With being able to receive love. So, yeah, I will say receiving a dick is not the same as receiving love, folks. [00:14:47] Speaker B: Well, you could love it very much. [00:14:49] Speaker A: You can love very much, and you can have them at the same time. You can have love and receive dick from somebody, but it's not in. In isolation. It's not. It's not the thing that's going to make you feel love. [00:15:01] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:15:02] Speaker A: Yeah. I think a lot of us, as gay men do that. We. We overdo the love or the sex area, because we don't feel comfortable in these other areas of intimacy. So it becomes a way to, to fill the bucket, but not, you know, not have the, the risk or the vulnerability that comes with it. [00:15:20] Speaker B: And it's an echo chamber. Because if we're all in there doing the same thing, finding it very easy, like even what I said earlier, like, I find it easy to be naked physically, my body, sure, no problem. I bet a lot of guys out there would say the same thing. Oh yeah, I want to see my news. No problem. Here I go. Want to hear about what I'm most afraid of? My insecurities. Absolutely not. I'm never going to tell you that. So it's this echo chamber and it just kind of exacerbates because of it. So we need to interrupt that pattern. And I think, I think you're right. It does all stem back to whether you are aware of it or not, some kind of mindset of I don't deserve this, I don't deserve love. Or I'm not, I'm not. I don't think people necessarily consciously think that, but I think it's there running the program subconsciously that we're not aware of. And it will show up in the way, the ways you said it. So maybe if someone compliments you or wants to be with you or wants to show you affection or closeness, you, you know, it makes you feel uncomfortable, you change the subject. Or if there is someone that you're dating and they're keen as you had said, then you want to like you find a way to kill it. You self sabotage. And these are classic, classic protective strategies. Because we are wired for. Well, in that, in those cases, we're wired for safety and true intimacy and receiving love. We want it to feel safe, but it requires some kind of risk. [00:16:39] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, exactly. And if you have attachment wounding from childhood or from past painful breakups, being cheated on, these sorts of things, these make it really hard to receive love after because love doesn't feel safe anymore. [00:16:52] Speaker B: Right. [00:16:52] Speaker A: The trust has been broken in one relationship, especially with your caregiver relationships. If, if love didn't feel safe with them, then it's really hard to translate that template onto romantic relationships. Because it's like, well, if my own mother or father didn't know how to love me or love didn't feel safe with them, then who can it feel safe with? Right? [00:17:13] Speaker B: Yeah, I go through that every time I have a breakup or some kind of, you know, dating someone and it doesn't work out. I I go through that same flow where I'm like, I'm never doing this again. This. I'm over it. I'm gonna go back to just being me and my thing and because I'm safe. You know, we talked about that lone wolf. That's very much me. And then eventually it's like, well, you know, it'd be really nice. Oh, well, you know, this would be. It'd be really great if. Then it starts to creep in. So what I've learned is that desire is always there. And, like, there's a relationship with the. Like, love itself. And then I have a unique relationship with the desire for love, which is something that I'm kind of peeling back. Like, oh, those are two different things. Like, my desire for it is kind of different than it itself. [00:17:54] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. [00:17:55] Speaker B: We don't have to go off topic, but. [00:17:57] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That could be a topic in itself. I like that. Just desire versus love itself. Yeah, yeah. And how we project our desires into love and try and get our. Shape, our partners into being what we desire them to be. [00:18:11] Speaker B: Right. [00:18:12] Speaker A: It can be a. Yeah, that's the topic. [00:18:13] Speaker B: Write it down. [00:18:15] Speaker A: Yeah. All right. For the audience, I want you to take a moment and just reflect on that question for yourself. In what ways has it felt difficult to receive love for you? Yeah. Share with us in a comment on YouTube. If you're listening on a podcast, just take a moment, pause the episode, and just reflect on that question for yourself. Personalize it. You know, Michael and I share here because we want to stimulate your juices so you can personalize it and get to know yourself a bit better in this area. And this is an area that a lot of gay men struggle with. So I really, really want to encourage you to pause and take a moment and reflect. And we are going to have more of these discussions in our. In the gay men's brotherhood connection circles. So come and join us where you'll have a chance to share your own experiences. These are where we do exactly what we're doing on the podcast here. We'll put you guys into. We'll gather in one large group. We'll kind of get the juices flowing, and then we'll put you guys off into pods where you can have conversations. And it's all done on a sliding scale, so you can donate or you can pay whatever, whatever you. You wish. So money does not need to be a barrier to come in and attend our events. Okay. You can go to gaymansbrotherhood.com to the events page to check out Everything over there. Okay, so what does it look like to receive love? [00:19:36] Speaker B: Yeah, when I read this question, I didn't. I didn't know how you wanted me to answer it. So I just. I don't like. The first thing that comes to mind for me, Matt, is just the different love languages. Because when you think about love languages, don't forget there's giving and receiving. So you might give in one language and receive in another kind of thing. And so, you know, my. My top two pretty much almost tied are quality time and acts of service. Close. Second would be. Or third, I guess would be physical touch. And then down the ladder is words of affirmation. And then the very last one is receiving gifts. But what it looks like to receive love, I mean, it looks like all of that. My favorite would be quality time together. I think that's. That's my. That's not just a romantic relationships, but even in friendships, like, I really enjoy time. Like I was telling you right before we started recording, I was here on vacation with my best friend just a few weeks ago, and he left and went back to Canada. I was having such a hard time when he left. I was like, really, really sad for like an entire day. Because that time, like, it was just like he ripped, like, my arm off. Like, we had spent every minute together for two weeks having the absolute most incredible time on vacation, laughing and just having. Having a blast. And then he was gone. And like. Like, it just like my nervous system. And I still feel it in my stomach when I think about it. But, you know, receiving love from you, it really is important that time. It does not matter what we're doing. We could be sitting together in silence in a room. It could be going out, having fun. But for me, receiving love is someone who says to me, basically, you are worth my time. You know, spending time with you, Michael, is worth my time. And that to me is the most beautiful compliment somebody can give me even just. Even just a text to say, hey, I'm thinking about you, or how are you doing? To me is a beautiful way that I love to receive love. [00:21:35] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:21:36] Speaker B: Yeah. Is that. Is that what you're going for in this question or. [00:21:39] Speaker A: Yeah, you could have taken it any. In any direction. Right? Like, you know where I was thinking for myself is like, what even is love? Like, what am I receiving? What is the thing that. You know, I think love for me is an umbrella term. It's like this feeling. But it could be so many expressions of love. Like, you have gratitude, you have appreciation, kindness, empathy, compassion, understanding. Like, these are all these kind of facets of. Of love. [00:22:05] Speaker B: Right. [00:22:06] Speaker A: So it's like, how can I. What does it look like to receive these things? Right. So for you, it sounds like compliments are a big one. When, when somebody like, really cherishes you and shows you that. [00:22:17] Speaker B: Yeah, just, Just tell me you're thinking about me. That to me means the world because, yeah, like any. I guess it's. It's all under. Wrapped up under the, like the focus and attention. Like a text saying, hey, I'm thinking about you. What's up really, really means a lot to me. [00:22:30] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:22:31] Speaker B: Whether it's, Whether it's like a. A touch, a graze or something else. [00:22:35] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. [00:22:36] Speaker B: Quality time is my. I think it's because I see time as my most finite resource. So I, I'm someone who's very discerning about how I spend my time and who I spend my time with. And, and, and so because of that, because I value it so highly when other people give me their time, I. I perceive that as, As a beautiful gift of, oh, your time. I'm worth your time. That's. [00:22:59] Speaker A: That's. [00:23:00] Speaker B: That's beautiful. [00:23:01] Speaker A: Yeah. That's love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm also hearing that it's, you know, for you with Sean, it's like letting yourself miss him is letting your. Because that you. In order to miss something, you had to have something. Right. You had to have love in order to miss it. Right. You had to ha. You have to have love in order to have. Have a broken heart from losing love. [00:23:24] Speaker B: Right? [00:23:24] Speaker A: So it's like letting yourself receive love can also be about letting yourself feel the feeling of like, missing or desiring or, you know, even when you were with him, like having like all the special moments and the laughter and the things you guys shared together. Like, that's letting yourself receive love, right? [00:23:40] Speaker B: Yes, yeah, exactly. And not being close off to it. And, you know, you bring up a good point with him because he's my best friend. So we've known each other, been best friends for like over 20 years. And so there's so much safety and trust there. You know, going back to what we had talked about, about trust and feeling safe. He. We're not romantic together at all. But, like, there is so much safety and trust there that it's very easy to receive love and give love with him. [00:24:04] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. It's a good segue into mine because I have a. I giggle, but it's really not funny. I have a, like a program inside me that I've developed from a very young boy, which is, again, hyper independence. I don't need anybody. So what does it look like to receive love is to slow down and challenge that egoic voice, which is all just a protector part, right? It's like, because I do need people, I do need love, right? I do get lonely, like, these sorts of things. So it's like looking like receiving love for me is about slowing down, right? And actually feeling the feelings that I'm having instead of analyzing, right? And staying in my mind. So it's like when. Because love is all around me, and when I. The re. How I know that is because when I. When I am in a place where I can receive, it's always there. So that means that it's always there, right? Like, it's there with my family, it's there with my pet, it's there with Mother Nature, it's there with my friends, it's there with people that admire my work. Like, there's. There's so much love there to be had. And it's. For me, it's about learning how to, like, drink from the well as opposed to being like, you know, turning my nose up as, like, a protector part. Because love doesn't feel safe, right? So, yeah, it could look like letting in compliments, like you said. Like, instead of deflecting. I. Most of my life, I didn't know how to receive compliments, so I would always, like. I don't know, I wouldn't call it, like, false humility, but it was almost like a way of deflecting, like, so I didn't have to feel uncomfortable. I would never ask for support in my life. And I've been learning how to ask for support. And then, you know, when I'm receiving support from people, it's like I'm actually, like, focusing on the feeling of receiving from them, right? So I think that's. That's a part of it. And I can't. I can't emphasize enough how much slowing down for me is a part of it. Because, like, even, for example, like, I have a puppy now. And the first thing I do in the morning, because he does. He's not. He's not allowed on my bed. So he sleeps on his bed on the floor in my bedroom. So the first thing I do in the morning is I get up and I lay with him for like, 10, 15 minutes, and we just snuggle together. And it's like the most beautiful thing. And it's like. It's just. My heart is opening for 15 minutes. And then we start our day right. So it's like I've never, I never had that before. So it's like I'm really truly understanding now that love is this slower kind of little. It's just, it's. I don't know, it's not something that you can race with your mind or find with your mind. It's a feeling that you feel when you're slow, slowed down. So it happens with just, you know, for me, like eye contact or just even like smelling him. Like the smell of my dog makes me feel like I'm receiving love. So there's, there's something about this. Yeah. I'm really kind of honing in on this energy of slow down and love is there for you when you slow down. So. And then obviously for. Sorry, go ahead. [00:27:07] Speaker B: No, no, no, finish your thought. I want to point something out after. [00:27:09] Speaker A: Go. And then a lot of it for me is, is continuing to love myself. [00:27:16] Speaker B: Right. [00:27:16] Speaker A: Like receiving love is, is. Is important for sure. But it's like the, the capacity I have to receive love from others is going to match the capacity I have to love myself. And they can help each other, they can support each other for sure. Like love from others can help us love ourselves. But I do think that there has to. For me, there has to be a foundation of, of. Yeah. Just tuning in. And I think for me, a self love practice is slowing down, consciously choosing to slow down and feel right hand on my heart and just close my eyes and feel in this moment. Which is why I wanted to walk you guys through that at the beginning of the episode because I think it's important to like really tune in. Love's there when we tune in, you know? Yeah. What were you gonna say? [00:27:57] Speaker B: What I love about both of our examples here is that neither of us talked about romantic love. You were talking about your dog and I was talking about time with my best friend. So, you know, for the person out there who is thinking that they can't or don't receive love because it's not romantic, I challenge you to think of the ways you can receive love that maybe you are glossing over, whether it's a pet, a friend, a family member, even nature. [00:28:23] Speaker A: Right? Yeah. [00:28:24] Speaker B: Yeah. It's out there. As you said at the beginning, it's out there. It's out there for us to receive. But if we're so focused on the romantic aspect, then you're going to miss it in all the other places. And I'd even argue that if you can't receive it in all of the other places, then the universe isn't going to be ready to give it to you in the romantic sense either. [00:28:41] Speaker A: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And that's also another piece of it too for me is like the love from God or the universe or whatever it is, this omnipresence of love that's kind of coming towards us and being able to tune into that and feel that. Right? Yeah, it's powerful. It's very powerful. All right, so again, audience, what does it look like to receive love? Slow down, take a moment and yeah, what is it? What does it feel like? What is it? What do you notice when you think about receiving love? What would it look like for you to receive love? And again, please share your comments on YouTube. We love when you guys share your comments and we love the dialogue that goes back and forth between our community members. It's, it's nice to see people sharing respectful dialogue in our comment section. So. And if you want to learn how to open your heart more, we've got lots of videos, lots of coaching videos in our coaching collection where you can learn to heal and empower yourself at your own pace. We have 45 premium personal development coaching videos on different topics related to things like body, body positivity, confidence, community, relationships, things like this. Then we also have our two courses, so healing your shame is one of them. And I think healing your shame is going to be the start to learning how to receive love. If you are operating from a template of toxic shame, it's going to be almost impossible to receive love. So working with that program, it's a six week program. And then moving on to the building better relationships program which is going to teach you how to, to build those relationships where you can start to feel love. All of this is included in our coaching collection. So you can head over to gameandgoingdeeper.com for more information about our course opportunities. All right, last question. So what are some things the audience can do to open their hearts to love? [00:30:41] Speaker B: This is such a great question. I have a few suggestions here, so bear with me. I think first of all, the thing is, you know, healing your shame, looking at where that, you know, I, I don't deserve a story. Might be, again, it's probably not. Doesn't sound like that in your head. You probably don't go around thinking I don't deserve love. But the actions, your behaviors might be suggesting it, which is a good place to start. So that's, that's step one and that's hard work to do. It's not for, not for the faint of heart, but it's worth it. And then once you can figure that out, then it's making sure that you know that receiving love and love in general is inherently risky. We want safety, but you can only have that safety if you are willing to take the risk. It's kind of like this double edged sword or whatever you want to call it, paradox. Like you have to trust your yourself no matter what happens in love, if you don't have that, then you're not going to do it. And you know, you don't need to go out all out in one shot. But if you're learning how to trust and rebuild connection. First of all, we have tons of material in both of those courses you mentioned, plus all of our previous podcasts. But start with small risks, right? Start sharing something real. Come to a sharing circle or come to a connection circle and connect with people in that way. That's something small. Sharing with someone that you already know and love some that you already trust, maybe just going a little bit deeper with them, maybe sharing them, something that's sharing with them, something that's going on in your life that could look like also, you know, maybe a bit more down the ladder is like reaching out to someone first, expressing interest. If this is in a romantic sense, first initiating first. So many guys, so many guys, when I ask them about connection, whether it's romantic or friendship, they'll say, oh, they, no one ever contacted me. And I'm like, well, did you contact them? No. Well, but, but when we dig into why, it's exactly that I'm afraid they won't respond. So you have to be willing to, to take that, to take that risk. If we're all sitting here too afraid to approach each other because we might get rejected, we're all sitting here alone in our own little islands, not connecting with each other. [00:32:45] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:32:45] Speaker B: So what I say to everyone is you have to be willing to lead the way. And how many times I'm gonna, you know, ask all of our audience out there, you sit there and wish someone would just reach out and make the plans and do the thing. And yet you yourself don't want to do that. Right. So you have to be willing to do that. And that might involve someone saying no, no, I'm not interested, or no thank you, or you know, just a no. And that is going to be painful. So when you can learn how to treat that potential pain with compassion, with love, with understanding, you'll be more likely to take that risk of take putting yourself out There. And once you take the risk, then and only then will you get the reward of having that fulfilling, loving connection, whether it's friendship or romantic. So many of you guys want the reward, but you're not willing to risk it. [00:33:35] Speaker A: Yeah. Well, I think unhealed toxic shame makes us sensitive to rejection. We've done a whole episode on that rejection sensitivity. So if you're not healing is so important. It's so important. That's the whole birthplace of why we do what we do. We want it. We are the gay men's brotherhood. It's very first started because we wanted to help gay men heal shame so they could be more authentic and find meaningful connections. That's the whole purpose of why we're doing what we're doing. So if you're, you know, like Michael said, if you're finding it hard to put yourself out there and take risk because you're. You're afraid of being rejected, there's likely a shame story, like a shame wound that. That is there. And most of us have it because shame is. It's almost a synonym to being gay. And so healing shame will really be the thing that can allow us to start to move towards. Yeah. Love and putting ourselves out there. Yeah. [00:34:28] Speaker B: And most people don't. Don't know it as shame. I. I learned this when I was doing my. My group. I kept talking about shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, and didn't really connect. And then when I started talking about the symptoms, like, oh, yeah, that's me. I'm like, well, guess what? Once. Once you go beyond that, feel that onion layer away, guess what's there, my friends. It's just shame. [00:34:47] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, Exactly. Yeah, yeah. The symptoms of shame. I'm curious for you. Do you think, like, I kind of grapple with this concept, like, when somebody is loving me, am I feeling their love for me, or am I feeling the love in me that gets activated because I feel them loving me? Is it my love that I'm feeling when they're loving me, or is it their love that I'm feeling? [00:35:15] Speaker B: I love this question. I think this is my personal opinion that you are telling yourself a story about how they love you, and that story you tell yourself makes you feel love. Which that story might be completely accurate. I'm not saying it's false. You might be like, oh, my gosh, they love me so much. But your thought, oh, my gosh, they love me so much makes you feel love because you can't really give each other emotions. Emotions are felt here, even though it could Be like, matt, I love you so much, and I'm going to hug you to show you my love. That could be very real. It's still ultimately coming from your belief that. Because I could also do the same thing, hug you and say, matt, I love you so much, you could have a thought, this bitch is lying. Or what is. What does he want from me? I don't believe him. [00:35:57] Speaker A: Right. [00:35:58] Speaker B: So ultimately, that feeling will stem from whether you. Whether you choose to believe it or whether you're going to be a bit more suspicious about it. [00:36:06] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. So it's almost like learning to feel the love within yourself will let you learn to receive love from others, because if their love is activating the love within you, then it's the love within you that you have to connect with in the first place. So. And that's probably why my heart is opening now, because I have a pet. Right. And pets are such little perfect creatures that are just unconditionally loving and they make you feel love. Right. So if your heart is in a vibration of being open to love with this creature, it's more likely that's going to translate into being open for love with others. Right. [00:36:40] Speaker B: 100%. That's it. [00:36:43] Speaker A: You have to get yourself a puppy or a kitten and everything will be perfect. Right? Yeah. [00:36:49] Speaker B: You have to open that. It's what I would call the capacity to love. Like your capacity to receive love. It doesn't need to be big, just like, if you want to receive it. Some people, their capacity is just so small for so many reasons. We've just talked about them all. But there's a lot of reasons why that capacity could be small. But if, like, on the surface level, you want something that you don't have a place inside yourself for it, emotionally, it's gonna feel overwhelming. Like love, receiving love will overwhelm you. Even if someone is great for you and loves you so, so much, it could actually scare you, even though you say you wanted, it could actually make you afraid. [00:37:25] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's interesting. You know, I think one of the ones I put. Put yourself out there, which I think we've already talked about. But the other one I could say would be challenge your own ego. Like for me, my story, that of hyper independence, no one, no one's there for me or I don't need anybody. That's all ego. Right. Your ego's telling you stories to try and keep you safe. The. If we. If we want to learn how to open our hearts to receive love, the most receptive state in my Opinion is humility, right? When we're in a place of humility, we're open. We're looking at, okay, well, teach me. I'm open, right? Humility is the, the student looking to be taught. And I feel like when we are willing to look at ourselves and challenge our own ego and our own stories of disconnection and pain and loss and grief, and we're willing to challenge the narratives that were built from those, those experiences, then we're more likely to be open to seeing that, okay, I'm blocking myself from this very thing, right? That when my partner cheated on me, I now have this big wound and this big story around. I'm not good enough because somebody cheated on me. I'm going to carry that into my next relationship and perpetuate this, right? So we're. We're blocking our own capacity to open our hearts and receive love. So healing, right? Grieving, these sorts of things. And that's a big. Been a such a huge concept in what I've been working with for the last, well, three years. And now I've kind of done a lot of my grieving work and I'm moving into teaching a lot of it now. So all my teachings now seem to be coming from the perspective of grief because I'm like, shit, I've spent the last three years in a deep, deep amount of grief, and now I'm coming out of it and I've got a lot of wisdom to share in how to move through grief. So, yeah, I would say grieving on the other side of grieving is, Is an open heart. I really do believe that, because grieving requires forgiveness and acceptance. And when we accept and forgive, our hearts have no choice but to return back to their. Their original state, which is receptive and open to love, you know, and we. [00:39:29] Speaker B: Did a whole series on grief recently. So, yeah, lots of stuff out there. You know, going back to the one that you're going to say, though, man, I think it's worth. Worth saying, you know, you guys are putting yourself out there. I think the way that I would say that is, you know, if it's. It's not so much about finding love or receiving it, it's also about removing the blocks that prevent it, which you just named a bunch of them. Yeah, recognizing them and starting to like, remove them. And what helps a lot. Not, it's not. This isn't a mind game necessarily, although you can do mind work for it for sure. But what really helps and really does a great job and very effective is actually building Evidence of the opposite. Going out and building evidence that connection is safe, that there are people out there who you can talk to and be safe with and laugh with. And it should just need. This needs not be a difficult thing, just having someone laugh with, laugh at something with you or, you know, having someone hold space while you're sharing, like in a connection circle, or just being authentic and just being who you are and recognizing that you know they're not going to laugh at you when you are just who you are. And finding those little pieces of evidence and building that muscle each time is what will help you start to, like, erode that story. That. That or that wall that people are dangerous and that love is not safe. [00:40:54] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Good points. I love that. I love that. There's so much. There's so much in this. In this realm. Honestly, we could talk about this forever. I feel like. Yeah, it's such a. It's such a. It's. It's a. It's an area for me that there's a. I'm just even noticing as we're talking about it. There's a lot of. I guess it is maybe grief that our community. It's collective grief. That's what it is. [00:41:22] Speaker B: It's. [00:41:22] Speaker A: It's. I feel sadness, but I also feel anger for. And maybe frustration is a better word. I feel frustration with our community because of this. Because I see so many of us walking around as gay men with closed hearts. Yeah. And. And a lot of fear and a lot of shame. And it makes me sad because, like I said, when you. When you do. When you do your work and you are working your own inner program, and you start to get to a place where you have a deep capacity to love and to do these things. And I'm not perfect by any means. I'm still working on a lot of this stuff myself. But I definitely have made some strides in an area. But then I'm looking at the pool of people that are available to me, and a lot of men are just not there. They're not working their program. They're not looking at themselves. They're numbing out with sex and drugs and these sorts of. Of things. So, yeah, it just makes me. Makes me sad. I do notice that as we have this conversation, that. So I want to use this episode as a call to action for people that are listening to this to continue to do your work, continue to choose courage over comfort, and put yourself in positions where you can continue to open your heart and challenge your. Your own ego so you can get to a place where you can start to receive love. Because we all deserve that. It's our birthright as human beings. And as gay men, we def. We definitely deserve to be loved and. Yeah. [00:42:47] Speaker B: And once you do that work, if you're single, give us a call. [00:42:50] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. Holla. [00:42:52] Speaker B: Let us know, because we speak for me. I give big love, and I like to receive big love. So. Yeah, yeah, I know you do too. [00:43:01] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. And I'll leave the audience with this, you know, gratitude. It's. It's. Yeah, that's the doorway to love and appreciation. All these sorts of things. Just focusing on what there is to love, noticing in your environment what there is to love. And you know what? Like, I think a lot of us, it's easy to get focused on, like, big, like having a marriage or a partner, but, like, there's subtle love everywhere. [00:43:27] Speaker B: Right. [00:43:27] Speaker A: There's subtle things to be grateful for everywhere. So just re. Centering yourself back into a gratitude practice can be a great way to start to get. Connect with love. [00:43:36] Speaker B: Yeah. It's not about the object in which you are loving. It's about the feeling that it is generating within you. That is the key. So don't worry about the object, really. Just think about the feeling. Yeah. So find something in your life that you just love unconditionally, whatever that may be. And, like, focus on the feeling of loving it and where, like Matt did at the beginning. Where does that show up? How does it feel? What is it? Exactly. [00:43:59] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. [00:44:01] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:44:03] Speaker A: So good. Any. Anything else you want to share before we wrap? [00:44:07] Speaker B: No, I think. I think we'll leave it there. [00:44:09] Speaker A: Okay, good. Thank you. Yeah. For this beautiful hour. This was a lovely hour to share with you and unpack love. I love talking about love. And last week, last month was joy and grief and all these topics. It's just. Yeah, it's good. It's good stuff. Thank you to the listener viewer for coming on yet another journey with us. And just a reminder, this podcast and YouTube channel our listener viewer supported. If you enjoy what we're creating, you can support the community by making a donation to the show using the link in the show notes. Or you can tap the thanks button on YouTube and you can also subscribe to early access on Apple. You can get early access. All your support does help us continue making content for you and supporting our community. So we do thank you in advance for that and hopefully we'll see you at our next connection circle. For everything else. GMB related gayman's brotherhood.com See you around much love.