Compare and Despair

[00:00:02] Speaker A: Hello, everyone, and welcome to gay men going deeper, a podcast by the gay men's Brotherhood that showcases raw and real conversations about personal development, mental health, and sexuality from an unapologetically gay perspective. I'm your host, Michael Diario. And joining me today is the wise and wonderful Matt Lansital. Today we're going to be talking about comparing ourselves to others, and we're going to be exploring questions like, who do you compare yourself to? What do you compare exactly? And how have you developed resilience to the pattern of compare and despair? What we want you, the audience, to get out of today's episode is to understand how comparison affects your self esteem and then learn to reframe it for your personal development. Now, if you're new here, please subscribe to the channel on YouTube. And if you're listening on your favorite podcast platform, please subscribe. And please do leave us a review which helps us get into the ears of people who need us. And welcome to the show. All right, so the episode or the title of today's episode is called compare and despair, which we've talked about a lot. We've never actually had a full episode on it. So I think it's important that I explain what this means. This is a very common challenge that we face. I face it personally. I'll be talking about that today. I know Matt does, and I know a lot of you guys out there do as well, especially in this era of Instagram and social media. So I want you to imagine that feeling when you're just kind of scrolling through your feed on Instagram, tapping through stories, scrolling down the feed, and you're looking at someone's post, and you're thinking, wow, he's got it all together, right? And there's no shortage of things to compare ourselves to. Some common ones that I see are seeing people out there and about having a wonderful time with their friends, laughing and having a jolly time, and you're comparing your social life or your friendships, maybe your lack of that, with someone who seems to have a lot of that. Um, another common way is what I call lifestyle. So that's things like money, vacations, someone's beautiful home, maybe they're always out and about, you know, at Fire island one weekend and then at a circuit party the next. And then, you know, they're off to Europe on the next month, and you're just like, wow, they have it all. Like, they really can do all those wonderful things. Another very common one is body and looks, right? So fitness. And, you know, those gym selfies those sexy naked or half naked selfies, you know, on the beach and just seeing someone's body and like, wow, you know, they really look really good, and I don't. And then another one is in the relationship sense. So if you're someone who's single or just having a hard time, you know, finding. Finding love, and you want that connection and you're seeing, you know, couples on there posting all their lovey dovey reels and selfies, and they're all in love, that can be really hard as well. Way to compare. And then finally is in a professional success kind of way. So someone who's maybe out and about creating things in the world that you think you should be doing or you want to be doing, and they're out there doing it. Right. So that's just a few of the most common ways that we can compare ourselves. So that is the compare aspect of compare and despair. By the way, this does not have to be on social media or Instagram. It could be anywhere in your life. But this is where I see it especially activated and where it's especially activated in me personally. So it's easy to feel like everyone else has got it all figured out. Everyone else figured out life and they left you behind. You don't. Right. That's kind of the despair aspect. So if we lifted the hood on your brain during this kind of mindless scrolling, we'd find a lot of thoughts, a lot of automatic thoughts that are kind of happening without our control, without our permission, as I say. And they're something like this. They have it all. My favorite one. Must be nice. Something must be wrong with me. I'm not. Fill in the blank. Hot, smart, sexy, rich, whatever. Enough. I'm not enough. It's some kind of I'm not enough story. He's so much further along than me. I can't keep up. Why can't I have that? My life sucks. I suck. We'd probably find a lot of that. Yeah. Raise of hands. Yeah, everyone's raising their hand. Yeah, no one's actually here. I'm just making that up. But, yeah, I can tell that there's probably a lot of people right now nodding and like, oh, yeah, that sounds like me. Okay, so this is the despair part. So that's the despair. But here's the thing with compare and despair. It's not really about them. Unfortunately, it's not about them at all. The despair we feel isn't because of what we're seeing. It's because of what we're making. It mean about us specifically. Okay. It's not caused by them. It's caused by your thoughts about them. Now, go ahead and play that back and listen to it again because it's really important. It's not caused by them. It's caused by your thoughts about them. If it's caused by them, then that really sucks because we can't control them and they're just going to keep doing it. But if you realize that it's caused by thought that you're having, the good news is the despair is something that you can control. Thoughts are one of the few things that you actually do have control over. Right. I don't have control over someone on Instagram posting other amazing selfies. They're going to do it anyway, but I can control what I do about that. Right. So as a coach, I think that compare and despair is a great opportunity to see what's going on in your brain. And I was telling Matt just before we started today that over the last few months, this has really popped up a lot with my clients in my coaching. So I've been doing a lot of coaching on it. So it's very fresh for me. And so I'm going to kind of put on my coach hat for today's episode a bit more. But I will be telling you guys how I do it in my own way to help you out. So that's what we've got going on for you guys today, and let's get into it. So the first question we have is, who do you find yourself comparing yourself to and in what ways? [00:05:37] Speaker B: Hmm. Yeah. Thank you. What a beautiful intro. [00:05:42] Speaker A: Thank you. [00:05:42] Speaker B: It was so succinct. And I think my takeaway from your intro is that you use the word meaning what we make it mean. [00:05:52] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:05:53] Speaker B: Right. So we got all these thoughts stirring, and obviously our thoughts are coming from our beliefs, and we might have beliefs around scarcity, around not being enough, not having enough. And that's my flavor. My flavor is inadequacy. And, yeah, it's like, am I enough? Am I working hard enough? Am I producing enough? Am I significant enough? These sorts of things. And I've come into this life with a strong purpose to make a difference in the world. And I think one of my greater personality needs is significance. I want to make an impact. I want people to feel changed and inspired by the. By being around me and being exposed to my work and stuff like that. So I have a tendency to compare myself to people with more significance who are doing their work on a larger scale, impacting more people, these sorts of things. And it's really tied into I'm not working hard enough. And you know, my journey, Michael, the last few years I've been submitted with depression and my nervous system stuff issues. And I haven't been able to really output the way I was outputting before. And I was outputting crazy. Even before I met you, I was twelve hour days, five days a week, no breaks, just pumping out content and trying. And it was coming from this place of shame and inadequacy and I'm not good enough and I'm not working hard enough and heavy reliance on external validation. And I've been healing this and learning that like I don't need to do this. You know, just even simply in my business, shifting from a model of like chasing to attracting and like being magnetic in the work that I do, it's like freed me up so much. So, but this still rears its ugly head sometimes. Like when I was on, on vacation, just got back from like a five week holiday and I was like, everyone's getting ahead of me, you know what I mean? Like this feeling. And I'm like, where is this coming from? Like chill, you know, like, and I'm learning that like no one's actually getting ahead of me because when I'm resting, I'm getting ahead. I'm moving still. Like I'm recharging my battery so I can keep going. And I, before I was like running on fumes and I was dissociating to get through my work days and, and things like this. So um, yeah, if we're being specific, I would say, and I noticed like shame come up when I was like thinking of people. And I'm like, I don't want to share this publicly. Like, you know, why would I want to let these people know that I, that I, that I do this or that I feel this way? But like TS Gibson is one of them. She does. She has the personal development school. She's like someone that I really look up to. And I crunched her numbers. I think what she earns per probably month because she said she's got about 5000 people in her membership. Her membership's $70 a month to be part of. So just off of that one thing, her membership alone, she's probably raking in like I don't know, 12 million a year, something like that. It's just absurd, right? And then the holistic psychologist is another one. [00:09:15] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:09:16] Speaker B: And she's like probably ten times that. She's probably raking in $120,000. Or $120 million a year or something like that just off of her memberships. So those. Those are true. And then I get into this mindset of, like, I'm not working hard enough. I'm not doing enough. And I have these moments where I'm like, wow, Matt, like, you are doing so much. It's crazy. Like, you're so awesome and you're of service to so many people. And I get emails from people all the time of how my work is changing their lives and stuff. So I've got to really, like, root myself back down into. I kind of frame it in these two concepts of my soul and my ego. My ego compares and my soul compliments, and that's for both myself and towards other people. My soul compliments me and is constantly refilling my bucket and being like, wow, you're amazing. You're doing so well. And then my mind is like, I'm not doing enough. So I find I'm always in this kind of, like, this tug of war between my ego and my. And my soul. So that's one of them. So that's significance, and that's more in my professional world. And I'm like, you. I think you and I have a very similar dharma, like, work is. Is everything. Like, 70% of my life is work because my work is me. It's my life purpose is my work. And I don't say that from a workaholic place. It's just I'm walking a very, like, karmic and dharmic path towards, like, work life. Work life is a big part of it. Right? So. And I love that. I'm very, very happy with that. And I'm proud of what I do and the service that I offer to people, but so then the other piece would be around body still. So I've shared this in many episodes prior, and I was heavily reliant on external validation around my body. And the last four years, this same type of submission, I was submitted into having injuries. My nervous system couldn't work out. It just was constantly tired, and it was like my system was telling me to rest. And I haven't really had any motivation to go to the gym. It's been almost five years now since I've been training, and so my body's totally changed. So there is an element of the visual. I wish my body would look better, but there's also this thing of, like, I feel like I'm not strong, you know, like, I don't feel like I'm in my power physically because I've always been super fit. I've played sports growing up. So I think when I see athletic men that are, like, really in their power, like, in their physical power, like, it kind of makes me feel, like, inadequate. And I'm like, oh, you know, I wish that I could, could be like that. So, and then I kind of have a funny story about this one. So how much attention someone is getting because my ego can easily go into. I want the attention, like, put the attention on me. Right. It's the thing with having, there's a shadow side to having a personality need of significance. Right. It's like, I want to be significant, but there's also a part of me within that where I don't want to be the center of attention. [00:12:21] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:12:22] Speaker B: And that's more my soul energy. Okay. But my ego energies. Like, I want to be the center of attention and I want the attention to be on me. And so it depends on what energy I'm in. But my uncle told me this story, like, when I was, like, probably five years old and we were in Victoria. I was visiting him when he lived out there. And we were in some, like, I don't know, like city. What do you call those things where people, like, perform and do different things. [00:12:50] Speaker A: Like a square carnival? [00:12:52] Speaker B: Like a square. Like a city square. Exactly. And there was some kid that, like, got pulled in by one of the street performers and, like, was get, was performing with him. And I was like probably like five, six years old or something. And I turned to my uncle and I was like, that kid thinks he's so special or something like that. I was so jealous or envious that he got chosen right and I didn't. And so, yeah, that was, that's definitely something that shows up. Yeah. People's level of success. I think I already said that one. And then there's a, theres also another element to this as well because I think were talking about compare and despair, but I kind of came up with a concept of, like, compare and repair, because when I do go into compare and despair, I can easily flip and go to compare and repair where I compare myself to people that I feel like im better than them. Again, this is a very egoic thing. And its like the way the ego tries to repair from maybe the despair or the woundedness that it feels around not being good enough. And that's usually for me, like, when I feel like envy or jealousy towards somebody, I think my ego wants to go into this either belittling them and being like, oh, minimizing them or that sort of thing as a protector, so I don't have to feel my own inadequacy. So then there's a part of me that can go into that compare and repair, which is like, okay, I have to make myself feel better some way, right? But it's interesting because this used to be a lot more active in me. It's not as active in me anymore. I feel like as I'm developing more self esteem and creating balance between the s and the o, I always talk about the self and the other, and for a lot of my life, I had a little s, like a little sense of self and a big other. So other was my reference point, and I've done a lot of work on developing more of an equal s and o because I think it's very important to have an equal balance between the two because we want to be, like, concerned and caring about what others are doing and what they think about us, but not, you know, in. In lieu of ourselves. So I think as I'm developing a stronger sense of self, with that comes self confidence, self esteem, self worth, and then you don't feel like you need to be pulling people back down into the crab bucket, right? You're like, okay, I'm going to get out of the crab bucket and help people out of the crab bucket. So, um. But, yeah, it's tough. It's a tough journey, and I think this is a human condition where we're ping ponging between soul and ego. But I think, you know, as we know, as Geminis, we're, like, so dualistic, and it can be so exhausting being, like, constantly in these two characters. But I think it is truly a human experience thing. But I know that was a bit of a longer share, but I felt like I wanted to just dish it all. [00:15:43] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. And I appreciate that. It's funny that you mentioned, you know, significance because, yeah, when we had first met, I did that with you when we were first connecting, you know, I looked you up, checked you out, and you had, like, in my opinion, as someone who was just starting in this gay world, like, the gay coaching world, I was like, oh, my God, this guy has been doing it for so long. Like, he has it all. He's got the following, he's got the YouTube, and I was just starting at, like, zero, literally. So I felt that way with you. It's very interesting. Now, I did not know behind the scenes you were working 12 hours a day and all these things. [00:16:20] Speaker B: Totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's. Yeah. And I'll talk about that in the second question because there's so much to like to that. But yeah, we never know what's going on with somebody. Yeah. [00:16:30] Speaker A: And I think it's important what you had said as well about, you know, looking around that this concept of comparing and looking around at other people, it's, it's natural. We are a social species. That's what we do. And I don't think it's fair to say don't compare. Like, I don't know how, I don't know anyone who has successfully just not done it. I think it's important to realize you are going to do it. Just be very mindful and conscious about how you're doing it because it is part of the human condition. It's not going to go away. So for example, like if you're going to compare yourself in terms of being further along, if you want to do it that way, compare yourself to a peer. So in my example, I probably shouldn't have been comparing myself to you who had been at it for a lot longer. Maybe I should have been comparing myself to someone who is also just starting, also at that same level. Um, yeah, that's, that's, that's how I would see the comparing in a, like one way you can do it. Just be mindful of who you are comparing yourself to and if it's even fair. [00:17:23] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. I like that. And I also think comparison, it serves a purpose. Just like anything. It has a shadow side and it has the purposeful side and it's, it's showing us what we value. It's no different than jealousy. Right. Or envy. It's showing us what we value and what we want. So comparisons like, oh, right. Like, that's why I got a nipple piercing when I was 15. I saw this really hot guy at the swimming pool and I was like, that looks really hot. And I was super turned on by it. I'm like, I'm going to get a nipple piercing. I compared myself and it brought me closer to something that I value and desire to be. Right. [00:17:57] Speaker A: Yeah, great point. I'll get more on that later as well. Okay, so let me answer the question. I mean, it's not too, from what you said, for me, it's not so much about body lifestyle. It used to be. Now it's very similar to you. It's more of a professional sense. So I still do that. Oddly enough. It's not so much like the people who have maybe more significance. I mean, I still notice that, but it doesn't have the same effect. On me, because I know now that being in business for so long, a big following means very little, and I know that. But what I will say is I will compare myself for social media specifically in a business sense, when I see other gay coaches or queer who are in the same field, in the same space, kind of in the same lane as me. [00:18:40] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:18:41] Speaker A: And I see their specific social media success. So guys who are just getting into it now, like, just like in the last little bit, so they have less time and they're air coat further ahead with respect to, again, their following. And they're, like, creating. They have hundreds of thousands of followers and they have a super engaged audience and they have these fun reels every day that are super polished and fun with all these funky transitions and edits and tricks. I'm like, I don't know how the fuck to do that. I just pop on my zoom and talk to the camera and call it a day. Right. So that for me, it's not so much people who have more, it's actually the ones who are coming up behind, you know, so to speak of this as if we're gonna look at it that way and they're like, I get the sense of, oh, my gosh, they're coming for me. Like, that's it. Like this. I'm going to be overshadowed. [00:19:22] Speaker B: That's. [00:19:22] Speaker A: That's what it is for me. [00:19:24] Speaker B: Yeah. So what are they going to take from you? If they're coming from behind, it's like a race or whatever, what are they going to take from you? [00:19:29] Speaker A: Yeah, it's that scarcity mindset, as you said. It's the ego, you know, it's. The pie is limited. It comes from the. The pie is limited. And they're going to take my pie, aka clients income, you know, ideas. That's a big one. Oh, that's a good idea. I had that idea, you know. Yeah. But there's obviously, intellectually, I know there's no limit to these things, but the ego self in that, again, in that automatic moment is not thinking logically, it's thinking very emotionally. Yeah, yeah. [00:19:56] Speaker B: It's interesting that you say that because I kind of had that a little bit with you and Callan when we first started the brotherhood, because I wasn't, like, my practice wasn't full and, like, these sorts of things, and so I had this notion of, like, at the beginning, it was like, there's not enough pie. Like, you know, like, so there was this, like, gatekeeping energy or there's this scarcity mindset. It's a good way to put it. And then something softened in me because I started to notice that my people were just there. Like, they were there. Like, I'm. I work on magnetics and energetics, and people find me because I put out a certain frequency, and people come to that frequency. So no one. No one has my frequency. It's just. It's unique to me. So it's the same for you. Right. So no matter how fast people are coming from behind, they can't take the people that are meant to work with you. They're just there. Those people are destined to work with you. [00:20:46] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. That thought, for me, comes after the automatic one, is, like, panic. That's the automatic thought. But then that's the important thing about looking at them. [00:20:54] Speaker B: Right. [00:20:54] Speaker A: That's why I love the idea of, like, using this compare and despair to, like, lift the hood. As I said, what's the thought there? And then kind of do what matches and say, okay, well, let's actually look at this, which I'll take you through my example in the next section. But I noticed with me, it's. I compare myself very harshly on the things that I don't perceive I have. So it's not. Notice how it wasn't about, like, the clients, because I have lots of those. It's not about anything else. It's about my, like, social media skills. Like, oh, they're so polished and cool, and reels are like, you know, tiktoks are the thing these days, and I just don't have that. I don't have that skillset. So because I see it as an area that I'm lacking in, that's where I'm more susceptible to the compare and despair. [00:21:37] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:21:40] Speaker A: For the audience, I want you guys to think about that as well. What is the area that you might be insecure about? And likely it's going to get triggered when you're comparing and despairing. Right. So if you're insecure about your body, you're likely going to have a lot of stories about people's gym selfies and all these things. If you're insecure about being single, you're likely going to have a lot of compare and despair about seeing couples on Instagram being all in love. [00:22:02] Speaker B: Totally. Yeah, yeah. And I think what happens in that instance is we put all of our eggs in that basket, right? So it's like, if we feel insecure about this certain thing, that we put a lot of value on not having that or other people having it, and we don't. Right. So I think it's really important to like, and I guess I'll just share it now because it's put ahead for the next point is just to diversify the portfolio, the value portfolio. Right? Like, it's like if you're so fixated on your body or your dick size or something like that, like, can you sit down and come up with things that you value about yourself other than that? Right. And I know that's hard to do because the insecurity, it feels so big and it takes over. But, you know, like, I just think gay men put so much emphasis and value on body that it's like personality, energetics, like, what's that? You know what I mean? It's like I have to look this certain way, otherwise I'm not going to get acceptance and approval. And in certain circles, yeah, that's very true. But, you know, do you want to run with those circles then? Or do you want to run with circles where they can value other things as well? [00:23:04] Speaker A: Yeah, it's kind of like you were saying. It's the same concept that we were saying with business. Like, your people are there, you don't have to, you just need to be you and they will find you. Same thing in, in the realm of dating or body. Like, you just have to be you and not worry so much. People who are never going to like you anyway, no matter how much you try, they're not going to want you. Focus on being you and attract the people that are. [00:23:24] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. Scarcity mindset. [00:23:27] Speaker A: Yes. [00:23:27] Speaker B: You gotta write that down for another podcast idea. [00:23:30] Speaker A: I'm gonna write that down, right? Yeah. So when I am looking at if we lifted the hood on my brain, when I'm kind of scrolling through these other coach accounts, here's, here's what I wrote down. They're smarter than me. They're better at this than me. They're having more success than me. They're more accomplished than me. My favorite one. I'm an idiot. I'm a dinosaur. I'm going to get pushed aside by someone hipper and prettier. Oh, yeah, that's it. They're always so fucking pretty. These are the prettiest boys who do these things. And no one cares what I have to say. I'm irrelevant. So this is all very, very harsh. And if this sounds like you, I want you guys to put a pin in the next episode because we're going to also be talking about this more in the next episode. But as you can see, it brings up a lot of my inner critic and if you look at these as I read them out loud, I'm kind of embarrassed to share them. But also, I want you guys to see, you know, you're not alone. And it can be very important to do the work of, like, actually looking at what is under the hood there. And then once you see it, you can almost laugh at it and be like, oh, this is ridiculous. As I'm reading out loud, like, this sounds ridiculous and I know it's not true. [00:24:37] Speaker B: Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, I want to do the same thing as what you just did because I think that was really powerful. Like, and I'm going to look at mine. So I'm not working hard enough as one other men's bodies. Yeah, like, I'm not muscular enough. I think that's the thing. I'm not muscular enough. I'm not powerful enough. That's kind of a big one. I'm not significant enough. Yeah, I'm not doing enough. It's all, again, it's all this enoughness. Tired of not feeling enough. [00:25:14] Speaker A: It's our shame. And at the end of the day, if we took the root all the way down, we'd find shame, which is what we talked about here. [00:25:20] Speaker B: Totally, totally. [00:25:23] Speaker A: Okay, guys, so if you're enjoying the conversation we're having here, I want to invite you to continue the discussion on the last Thursday of every month in the gay men's brotherhood. Sharing circles. This is where you guys have a chance to share your own experiences on the topics that we discuss here, including this one. We also have our connection circles, which happen on the second Thursday of the month, which are similar, but they're smaller and they're more intimate breakout rooms where we put you in rooms of three. And again, you discuss the topics that we have on the podcast here with other members of the community. So if you like what we're talking about here and you want to continue the conversation with other people who also listen to this podcast and are excited about this, please go to www.gaimansbrotherhood.com and check out our events section to rsvp. Now, the group is in Facebook, but don't worry if you don't have Facebook, that's okay. You can get on our email list and we will email you the zoom link for all of the events. Okay, let's get on to our next question. This is an important one. So we've talked a little a lot about the problem. Let's talk about what the solution is here. So the question is, how have you developed resilience to the pattern of compare and despair. [00:26:31] Speaker B: Do you want me to go first, or do you want to share? [00:26:35] Speaker A: Yeah, you go first. [00:26:36] Speaker B: Okay. Yeah. Um, so the first thing that I wrote down was differentiation from thoughts. [00:26:42] Speaker A: Okay? [00:26:43] Speaker B: If you can't differentiate from thoughts, you're going to be stuck in compare and despair for the rest of your life. There has to be some sort of stick in spoke, flip over your handlebars, come down into the body, right? I just think, like, when we're. When we're. We're habituated in thought, it's. It's. We're in a cycle. We can't get out of it, right? So we need to take refuge. So that's the present moment. Come down into the body. And I think, for me, my ego is a structure, personality structure of the mind, and my soul is the energy that inhabits my whole being, right? And it resides in my heart center. So when I connect into my heart center, I'm not in comparative despair. So I think that's a really important part. So that could look like embodiment practices doing yoga, just even holding your hands on your heart, anything that pulls you into the present moment and allows you to connect with your kind of, like, the most truest aspect of your nature, like the body, the soul. It doesn't have an ego structure. It can't compare itself to anything, right? So I think we got to get out of mind, and then I think, you know, developing a mindful relationship with the emotion of inadequacy. So, like, name it and claim it is what I say. Like, you just got to, like, say, like, I'm feeling inadequate right now. I just compared and despaired. I'm going to be with my inadequacy. I'm going to be with my shame, whatever is there. And again, that's an embodied experience. Being with an emotion is an embodied experience. We have to be with it. We have to feel it. We have to breathe into it. If you're ruminating about what you're feeling, you're not in feeling, right, you're thinking your feelings, which then they just. They can't actually get out of the loop. You'll just keep looping in rumination. Yeah. Okay. And then I just wrote here, like, get clear about what I value and come up with a plan to attain it, right? So if you're comparing yourself because they think that they're better, right. There's. There's a beingness and a doingness to this answer, right? Because the beingness is like, come home. Remind yourself that you're good just as you are. Right. But then there's also, like, I compare myself sometimes because I'm fucking. I want to motivate myself. I want to. I want to have that. That membership where I'm making a million bucks a month or something. You know? Like, so comparison can be useful, and it can put me into a state of action. But if I'm overdoing, overdoing, overdoing. I got to learn the beingness, I think. And that's what I've been doing for the last few years, is learning how to be and learning how to co create with this beautiful, universal energy that we're always working with. Right? And I think that's been a big piece of my learning, is, like, I don't got to do it all. And I've been doing less and I've been getting more. That's what I've been learning from the magnetics and working with universal, um, energy, um, remind myself that I'm on my own path, and what is meant for me will come for me. Right? Like, that's just the biggest thing. Like, surrender to that, because I. I believe in destiny, and I believe that there's things that are carved out for me in this life, and they're going to come regardless of. Of, you know, whether I'm comparing or whatever. I'm. You know, I'm kind of walking my dharma. And with that comes all the beautiful things that I'm going to be meeting along the way. And then this is a big one. And I think because social media is where I do a lot of my comparing as well. So. Comparing my behind the scenes with others highlight reels. We've said this on previous episodes, so that is such an unfair thing to do to ourselves. Right? And it's like, the perfect example is you comparing yourself to me. And, like, lo and behold, at that time, I was struggling financially, and my business was crumbling because I was transitioning from fitness into. Back into counseling. So I had lost all my clients. I had to go back from Asia, back to Canada, and, like, you know, so, like, there was some seriously dark shit happening in my life at the time. And then here you are comparing yourself to some numbers that I have on my social media that don't translate into monetary or. Or success, in my opinion. Right. [00:30:37] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:30:39] Speaker B: So, yeah. And then just reminding myself that everyone has a behind the scenes, and people are never as they appear. And the beauty of you and I getting to do this work is, like, I have some very successful clients, like doctors and psychologists and lawyers and these sorts of things, and I get to see their behind the scenes, and I get to see their highlight reels, and we're all messy as fuck and we're all humans. Right? So comparing yourself to people is a very. Well, what does Brene Brown says? Comparison is the thief of joy. Right. It sucks us of our joy when we don't even really know what we're comparing ourselves to. Right. [00:31:14] Speaker A: Yeah. I would say when you're doing it unconsciously, automatically. Yeah. Like, not doing it mindfully and understanding, that's happening. Yeah. [00:31:21] Speaker B: Exactly. [00:31:21] Speaker A: What a great example, Matt, of the highlight reel. Like, I think we just shared with everyone a very real life example of me. My story was, oh, this guy's got it all. He's got it all figured out. I'm just. I'm new here. I'm an idiot. What am I doing? Who am I to be thinking that I can just be like, this Matt guy? And here we are, right. It's amazing. [00:31:40] Speaker B: Yeah. It is amazing. Yeah. And then I just put this last thing I think I already said, but diversify my value portfolio and don't just focus on things that I think make me valuable. And a cool thing that you can do is just ask people. It's kind of like the whole attraction thing. It's like we project into the world that everyone else is attracted to what we're attracted to. But sometimes I'm like, I can't believe this person is attracted to this type of person. I would not think they'd be attracted to that. You get the bears and the twinks and all these things. Everyone has their own thing, right? So it's like, I'll always ask people, like, what do you value in the world? Like, what do you. What gets you going? Or what do you value about me? And it's so amazing what people will say. They won't say the things that I. That I hold on to, that I'm like, oh, my God, these are my. These are my things, and these are the only things that are my currency in this world. No, like, people are constantly reflecting to the things that they see and that they're energetically drawn to. So, like, diversifying that portfolio is just. It's so helpful. Yeah. [00:32:39] Speaker A: Love it. Yeah, I'm gonna write that down. Um, I think it's your. Your share is a great segue. Are you done? [00:32:47] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. [00:32:47] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah. Your share is a great segue to. To what I wanted to do. And I love that. This one, we actually did a bit differently because I took a very, like, mindful thought, heavy approach to it. Yeah, my process. And for those of you who like a good process, get out your pen and paper because I'm going to take you through mine. [00:33:05] Speaker B: Okay. [00:33:06] Speaker A: All right. So just to recap, the example that I had used was comparing myself to other coaches in the same space who have huge followings, who are younger, prettier, posting regularly. They got these super cool reels with all the fun polish edits, and they're just, they're showing up in the world in their business the way I think I should be. Okay, that's my compare and despair. So how do I deal with it? Three steps. One, separate out the person from the accomplishment. So there's the person and then there's what they're doing in the world. And I, for me, it really helps to separate those two things out. So maybe this person is doing better in some ways, but he is not a better person than me. Right? We are equally like Matt had said. That's why it's such a good segue. On the human level, on the soul level, we're equal completely. And there's nothing either of us can do to change that. We're equally worthy, we're equally lovable, we're equally deserving. We both have strengths. Maybe they're different strengths, but we both have them and we both have weaknesses. Maybe they're different weaknesses, but we both have them. Surely we both have fears. I know enough to know that everyone has fear and everyone has insecurity. Again, they might be a little bit different, but at the end of the day, as humans, we are completely equal and there's nothing we can do about it. So that has to be step one. It's the foundation. So now that we're equal people, the question is, am I comparing myself in a way to something that I actually really want? Okay, so if I don't want that thing, then I just, I change my. Must be nice to. Good for you. Good for you. You want this thing, you got this thing. Good for you. Has nothing to do with me. I can go about living my life moving along, okay, if it's something that I don't truly, genuinely want or has Matt had said value, right. It's kind of the same thing here. Like, do I value this truly? If not, then move along. Just say good for you and thats that. Now, if it is, then theres step three. Actually, I want to give you guys a quick story. This happened with a client of mine this week, and I think a lot of people can resonate. So he was comparing himself on Instagram with guys who have six packs. He kept talking about six and this guys six pack and six pack. And I was like, listen, do you want a six pack? Hes like, no. I was like, are you attracted to guys with six packs? Hes like, no, but he had sold himself a story that a six pack is what makes people lovable. And so we got to, in their coaching, we kind of rooted it down. Im like, why are you so obsessed with six packs that his story was unconscious? Of course six packs is what makes people lovable. And he wanted connection and he thought the six pack was his way to a connection. Now, obviously, once we saw it, once I showed him this, once we uncovered it, hes like, this is ridiculous. And we had a good laugh. We both had a good laugh at how ridiculous it was. And in that case, thats what we worked on. We worked on replacing it with good for him. And thats what hes working on now. When he sees a six pack on Instagram, a, first of all, unfollow the account. If its not doing anything for you, thats the easiest thing. But if its someone you know or whatever, then you want to keep following them, then just replace that with good for you. Okay. Now what if it is something you want? What if its not just a six pack? What if it is something that you truly, truly want? Thats when you look at the actions. This is step three. Step three is you take the person out of the equation like we did in step one and you just look at the action. So the question is, what is he doing differently that I am not make it about the action, not about the person. Hes better than me or hes smarter than me. And im an idiot and im a dinosaur. Like I had said in the earlier section, its more so. Okay. Were both equally smart, deserving, amazing people. Yes. Cool. And notice I dont have to tear him down either, right? Im not tearing him down. Hes awesome. Hes doing a great job. Im also awesome and Im doing a great job. But hey, hes got this, you know, like 100,000 followers. If that's something I truly want, what is he doing differently? And when I ask that question, I can actually get solutions. So he's being super intentional and organized about creating content. You can just tell he's very organized. He knows what he's talking about. He takes his social media very seriously and it shows. Do I do that? No. The honest truth is, no, I don't. I kind of post willy nilly when I want. And that's that also, he's hired a social media team to help him. Right? So all those polished edits maybe aren't even coming from him. Maybe he's got a team working for him. Right. So then the question is, am I willing to do these things to get the results that he has, that I want? And then, like, notice how we're taking all of everyone's personality and worthiness out of the equation. We're just talking facts here. Here's what he did. Here's the results he got. Am I willing to do that? Am I willing to spend that money? The answer is no. Maybe yes. Maybe one day it'll be yes. But the answer for now is no. I'm actually not doing good the way I am. So, again, then it becomes good for him. Right? And then I've kind of taken that whole thing, wrapped it up in a bow, and ended up with good for him. And I didn't have to tear him down or tear me down. That's what I love about this process, is no one needs to tear each other down. Everyone's equally lovable and worthy and wonderful. [00:37:56] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that. It's retention of PI. Everybody gets pie. It's abundance mindset. Yeah. [00:38:04] Speaker A: Yeah. I have to take myself through. I mean, you guys who listen to this podcast know me. I'm very heady and I'm very process driven. So that's how I do it. Like, I kind of go through step by step like that in my own brain to, like, rewire it. And that doesn't work for everyone. That's fine. But if you do like processes, then this podcast is great for you. [00:38:24] Speaker B: Yeah. You always offer really good analogies, metaphors, and you give good processes. I love that. [00:38:30] Speaker A: Thank you, Matt. Now, don't go comparing yourself now. [00:38:33] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. You said something that made me think, and I said it, too. So significance. Significance is actually one of the top six personality needs. The other ones are, like growth, certainty, uncertainty, love, and connection. There's one more. Can't remember. But it's important to note these, because when we talk about what we value, like you said, your client values a six pack that's kind of like the foliage, but the root is that he's valuing his personality need is that he's valuing connection. [00:39:06] Speaker A: Right. [00:39:07] Speaker B: Love and connection. So I think it's important to kind of go back, look at the foliage. [00:39:11] Speaker A: What. [00:39:11] Speaker B: Why do I value these things? Like, you know, and even I could even take it one step further. Like, what does significance give me? Right. Like, when I feel significant in the world, what does it give me? Like, you know, maybe growth hits on another personality, maybe love and connection. I feel like if I'm really successful, I'm gonna have more love and connection in my life. So really honing in on these, I think, are really, really important. [00:39:33] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this episode has been, I mean, it's been very valuable for me even to see in your brain, Matt, like, what goes on there. And I think what I'm hoping is that people listening see us. And, you know, it's been 200 plus episodes now. A lot of people think maybe comparing themselves to us, thinking we have it all. And I'm hoping what we've all showed you is that we do not. Very clearly, I lifted the hood in my brain, and there's some ugly stuff in there. Right. So don't worry if you've got those thoughts. [00:39:59] Speaker B: We all totally, totally. The 6th personality personality need is contribution. [00:40:06] Speaker A: Ah, that's. That's. Yeah, like it. Yeah, I can see that. [00:40:10] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. This was a good episode. Yeah. It's nice to flow with you. It's nice to play ping pong with you. I love, I always love it. You and your cherry shirt. [00:40:19] Speaker A: Oh, thank you. Is it cherry or is it oranges or is it peaches? I'll let you guys decide. [00:40:24] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, I like cherries, so I'm going to go with cherries, but y'all can vote. [00:40:27] Speaker A: And let me know in the comments. [00:40:29] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:40:29] Speaker A: What is it? [00:40:30] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:40:32] Speaker A: Okay, guys, that wraps up our episode for today. Please stay tuned for next week where we'll be talking about the inner critic, which goes, as I said, hand in hand with this. So if you like this, you'll love the inner critic one next week. So stay tuned for that. Make sure you tap on the bell so you get notified every time, time that we have a new episode. And before we wrap up, I want to let you guys know about a special workshop that I'm running with Michael Pizzullo. He has been a guest on our podcast. We did the episode about sexual abuse together. We're doing a workshop called taming the inner critic and quitting the cycle of compare and despair, which fits very perfectly with this. Michael, for those of you who don't know, is a therapist in West Hollywood, California. He works very much with gay men, as do I. And we got to talking after our episode, and we just kind of realized, hey, we need to, like, this is an issue that we see a lot of, so we're going to do something about it so we don't have all the details yet, but if you're interested in coming to this, I'll put a link in the show notes and you can just put your email in there and then we'll let you know once we have everything figured out because we're still in the process of creating it. [00:41:37] Speaker B: Cool. [00:41:39] Speaker A: Yeah, it'll be great. I'm really looking forward to it. And for those of you who want to let us know what your thoughts are on this episode, please do let us know in the comments comment on YouTube, take a moment to pause and reflect about what we shared here. I know we did a lot, so maybe take a moment, reflect on it a bit, and then check in and let us know what your thoughts on the episode are. Maybe if you're feeling brave, let us know who you compare yourself to and on what topics. All right, thank you Matt, for joining me today. Thank you to our viewers and listeners for sticking along for the ride with us. And remind you guys this podcast and YouTube channel are listener and viewer supported. So if you enjoy what we're creating, you can support us by making a donation to the show using the link in the show notes. You can also subscribe to get access to episodes early episodes on Apple Podcasts, and you can listen at free and get episodes about three weeks before they're released publicly. All of your support helps us to continue making content for you and supporting our community. So we thank you very much in advance, and we'll see you guys at the next Gaiman's brotherhood events. The connection circles and sharing circles. Don't forget to check out our website, gaimansbrotherhood.com. bye.